TGIF | Friday Fragments {Ugly Crying & Challenges}

I am a HUGE How I Met Your Mother Fan. If you've never seen an episode of How I Met Your Mother or if you used to watch but got bored waiting for Ted to meet the "Mother" - Monday night's 200th episode was one of THE BEST of the entire series and one you should watch. Truly worth the wait, because they nailed it. And by the time we got to the First Song, I was ugly crying. You may want to grab some tissues before watching.  

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Earlier this week I tweeted a comedian who used "autistic" to make fun of someone's dancing. You will NEVER believe the response I got! You can read all about it, HERE.

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I've been participating in the #365FeministSelfie Challenge created by Veronica of Viva La Feminista. I love seeing what other women are sharing across social media. Don't feel pressured to do it every day - I certainly don't.  Below is the Instagram picture that I shared on Monday morning while on my way to work. But my pictures throughout the week tell a different story and by today...my #365FeministSelfie is looking a wee bit different.    

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And speaking of challenges...It's about time I start challenging myself. I gained a lot of weight in 2013 and I really need to get it under control. I began 2014 tipping the scale at 175lbs. I need to get motivated. I need to get back in the gym and working out at home and eating better. So starting tomorrow February 1st (ending March 2nd) I'm doing the Athleta 30 Day Squat Challenge. Will you join me?  

TGIFriday Fragments! 

8 Social Media Goals for 2014

It's the first day of 2014. Every few months or so I contemplate the point of my blog. One of my New Year Resolutions is to scale back on my work load. But that doesn't mean I'm ready to give up blogging. While some things are better left behind in 2013, there is so much to look forward to in 2014. 

My 8 Social Media Goals

Get a professional headshot. Because my iPhone selfie can no longer cut it. This has to be at the top of my list. I'm going to make this a priority in the near future. After three years of blogging, I think it's time.

Create an About Me page. I honestly never thought about creating one until a friend suggested it's something all bloggers should do. And since my friend is pretty successful, I'll heed her advice.

Pin Like a Mad Woman. I don't spend much time on Pinterest but when I'm on it, I like it. And I like having all my favorite things in one place. Like today, I started a "1st Time Couponer" Pin Board. I am determined to learn how to coupon, I'm hoping my coupon blogger friends will have some advice for me. 

Update my Linked In Profile. More advice from another successful blogger. 

Read More. Last year I was so busy, I lost track of some of my favorite blogs. It's impossible to catch up but I want to make time to read the bloggers I love and discover some new ones.

Say No. I almost always say yes to things. Even to the things I don't have time to do. Last month I said no to a major opportunity. After I weighed the pros and cons, I realized it wasn't something that would make me or break me. As a mom who works full-time outside of the home (in a field completely unrelated to blogging) and being a niche blog - I have to be super selective to what I say yes to. Saying no felt good, I felt like I was in control. I only want to do things I truly want to do, otherwise - what's the point? 

Make dates to meet on line friends in real life. I have met so many wonderful women through blogging and many of them are in NYC. I shouldn't have to wait until a blog conference in another state to see them. I want to be more proactive in making dates to meet. 

Unplug. After a year of writing for Babble, I decided it was time to leave. I was working so much on blogging that it was hard to keep up with everything. I was tired of juggling. It feels good knowing I have lightened my work load but that doesn't mean I'm ready to quit altogether. I love writing and sharing our story. But I also know I want to spend less time on line and more time in real life. 

What are your social media goals for the new year? 

My Best Moments of 2013 on Instagram | #photostatigram #memostatigram

It's the last day of 2013! I have loved seeing everyone's #Memostatigrams but for some reason, I can't share mine. I think it's because I have an iPhone 4. Who knows? I'm not tech savvy. But I am able to share a photo of my best Instagram photos in other ways...

60: The day I handed in my thesis. Read about it here - So Now What and 10 Things I'm Going To Do Now That I'm Done with Graduate School

58: The morning I graduated. Read about it here - Graduation

52: The day we ran for Autism Speaks; my very first 5K. Read about here - 4 Miles of Hope

47: My beautiful custom made Autism Awareness Toms by Pear Mama

47: The Boy…simply being The Boy. Happy.

2013 has been good to me. But I know... 

And of course, after I hit publish on this I figured out how to upload my video to You Tube.

#BreakingTheSilence at #LATISM13 {LATISM recap part 1}

On September 18, 2013 (on my 38th birthday) I stepped into The Waldorf Astoria for the very first time. For the 2nd year in a row, I was honored to be named one of LATISM's Top 100 Blogueras. And also, for the 2nd year in a row, I attended the LATISM conference.

I laughed, I cried, I learned and most of all I was inspired by the many voices of LATISM13. The women and men I met were courageous in breaking the silence and sharing their stories - from immigration, mental health, finding balance, obesity, chronic illness and special needs.

I wanted to share some of my highlights with you.

1. I got to meet the President of Iquana Films and film maker, Maria Aqui Carter. Carter's, recent documentary, REBEL, tells the untold story of Loreta Velazquez - a Civil War soldier and spy. Carter says "In a world where our Latino children grow up knowing little of Latino contributions to this country, it is imperative that we recuperate the stories of the incredible Latinos in American history, particularly biographies where we can connect with individual stories."

2. The Panel that should have been sponsored by Kleenex because by the end of the 60 minute session, there wasn't a dry eye in the room: "Work, Life and Balance: Se Puede," moderated by Helen Troncoso. The speakers included: Vicky Barrios, MSW, Jeannette Kaplun, Michelle Herrera Mulligan and Cynthia Santiago. The women spoke candidly and passionately about their personal lives, families and careers. One of my favorite takeaways from this panel was what Jeanette Kaplun said "I believe you can do it all, just not all by yourself and not all at once."

3. The Panel that inspired me to break the silence: "Mental Health: Breaking the Silence in the Latino Community" moderated by Pauline Campos. The speakers included  Helen Troncoso,  Pauline Campos, Nelly Maseda, Jes Sofia Valle and Ane Romero. Pauline Campos nailed it when she said "We are a family-oriented culture. But our tendency to sweep tough stuff under the rug needs to stop."

For years, I have struggled with depression, insecurity and anxiety. If you've been reading my writing for a while, maybe you've seen traces of it here and there. Last year, I hit bottom and decided it was time to get help. During my first therapy session, I explained everything I had gone through over the last 5 years and she said, "It sounds like you've experienced a lot of loss..." Seeing a therapist has been the best decision I could have made - not only for myself but for my family. Yet I found myself ashamed of being in therapy. I only told my closest friends (and it took me months to tell my mother). I hid it, as if it was weakness with me. 

It was during this panel that I had the courage to stand up and tell a room full of strangers that I had been in therapy for the last year. Seeking help for mental health is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of courage. In the coming months I plan to share more of my mental health journey here. 

4. Meeting Pauline Campos and hearing her story truly inspired me. She is funny, fearless and passionate about raising awareness on mental health in the Latino community. Her blog Girl Body Pride empowers women and girls to love their bodies and accept themselves just the way they are. 

5. One of the best parts about attending conferences is connecting with my online friends in real life! It's always such a treat to see Jeannette Kaplun.  What can I say about Jeannette that hasn't been said a million times over? She's an award-winning journalist, author, TV host, spokesperson, public speaker and Latina blogger. Jeannette is just a genuine person and I'm grateful for her support and her friendship.

 Who inspired you at LATISM13? 
  

from top to bottom, left to right: (1) Maria Aqui Carter  (2) Helen Troncoso, Jeannette Kaplun, Maria Herrera Mulligan, Cynthia Santiago, Vicky Barrios (3) Helen Troncoso,  Pauline Campos, Nelly Maseda, Jes Sofia Valle, Ane Romero (4) Pauline Campos (5) Jeannette Kaplun

More LATISM photos and inspiration to come this week! 

A Tale of Two Rings (The Lesson I Learned When I Lost My Wedding Ring)

We were married on a whim. The decision came to us on a plane en route to Dominica. “You want to?” he asked. “Sure!” I answered.

Without a plan or a care in the world, we made the arrangements to marry on our very first vacation together. We strolled through the market place in search of silver rings. 

We exchanged our vows in casual cloths by a waterfall in the courtyard of the hotel for all guests to see. 

When I returned to work as a newly married woman, I told one of my co-workers. Before congratulating me, she demanded to “see the ring.” I explained that it was unplanned and held up my hand with my silver ring that was too big.  

“Oh…well, congratulations,” she said. But I could tell that she thought I was cheated out of a princess cut diamond ring like the one on her finger. (She was divorced the following year.)

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A year later on our 1st year anniversary, The Husband and I threw a wedding reception. The party was for our family. I just wanted the pretty dress. But even that day was low key. 

It was on that day - our 1 year wedding anniversary that we were supposed to exchange rings once again. The Husband picked them out, really. I wanted to go to the local jewelry store but he did his homework. He found this Japanese jewelry store in Soho. We picked out our rings and had them engraved. 

Mine: He won me over. 

His: She wore me down.

On the day of our anniversary party, we meant to exchange/renew our vows. But we got so caught up with family and friends and the dancing, eating and celebrating - we never did. At the end of the evening, when it was just us - we exchanged rings. No vows or words were said. Just our rings and a kiss. 

1 year wedding anniversary June 2004

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As I sat on the floor of my hotel room, unpacking my suitcase and shaking out my clothes searching for my ring for the 20th time, I wondered: How could I lose my wedding ring? Where could it be? 

I searched the room and all of my bags. I checked under the beds and behind the toilet. I even took a cup and turned it upside down before looking one last time - it's an old wives tale someone shared with me. I asked the cleaning woman and reported it to the hotel. No ring.

I thought of The Husband, home with The Boy so that I could attend a blog conference. It's because of The Husband's commitment to me and our family, that allows me to do what I do. Without his support, I couldn't do it.

As I sat in the hotel lobby on Sunday morning with my suitcases packed, staring at my naked hand, I started to cry. I thought of my flight from New York to Atlanta - how with every bump of rough air I clasped my hands and looked at my ring. How could I get back on a plane to New York without it?  

Hours later, I walked out of LaGuardia airport and was greeted by The Husband and The Boy. Both were happy to see me. And I was happier to see them. 

By then The Husband knew I lost my ring and he was upset but he helped me put things in perspective. "That's not the ring I first put on your finger. The original ring means more to me."  

Both rings have a sentimental value to me for different reasons. When he offered to buy me a new ring, I refused. I don't want a new ring. I want my ring.

Later that afternoon, before heading out to lunch I slipped on the silver ring - my original wedding band and smiled. It's still too big and the ring guard annoys me but it's mine. I still wanted my other ring but I was grateful I had at least one. A ring is a ring - it means everything and yet ultimately it means nothing. 

Last June we celebrated ten years of marriage. It's been a decade of highs and lows. Our marriage is far from perfect. There are days we wear each other down and days we win each other over. We laugh, we love, we fight, we move on. 

A wedding ring is symbol of our commitment but it's not the thing that binds us and keeps us together. Our love does that.

    

Graduation

This post is sponsored by Disney Story. To find out more about this brand-new story-creation app – and how it puts the power of storytelling in your hands - click here. 

   

Last Thursday I graduated...finally!

As I sat and listened to the opening remarks of my college graduation, I had to fight back tears as the Dean talked about overcoming all the obstacles and hardships in order to get to this moment.

These last five years of graduate school have not been easy. I have been discouraged and encouraged to quit. And I have wanted to quit more times than I can count. I have wondered whether or not it's been worth it. I am now wondering what will be next. I have no idea.

Over the last five years, I've been amazed by my son's progress after he was diagnosed with autism. My husband retired after twenty years at FedEx and started a new job. I lost a baby. I have started this blog. I have sued the Department of Education. I became a writer. It has been a roller coaster ride of the lowest lows and the highest highs. 

As I sat front row at my graduation ceremony and saw the camaraderie of the other - much younger - students as they marched on stage and others cheered as their names were called, I felt envious. I was surrounded by mostly undergraduate students, students in their early twenties, students with no children, no real responsibilities other than just being a student. Young men and women who had their whole lives ahead of them. Young college graduates who were free to pursue their careers - to find themselves.

Twenty years ago I graduated from high school clueless about who I was or what I wanted. With every failure, obstacle and hardship I learned a little more about myself. I discovered what I wanted to do. 

There is no need to envy the younger graduates. They are moving on, in search of themselves, to discover their purpose - to find or forge their own path. 

I have spent the last twenty years forging my path - walking, running, kicking, crawling and clawing my way through. I am moving on, with my degree in hand and there is no need to search. I am already on the path I'm supposed to be on. I just need to keep moving forward. 

A new journey awaits.        

This post is sponsored by Disney Story. To find out more about this brand-new story-creation app – and how it puts the power of storytelling in your hands - click here. 

Wise Words of Buddha

Today is my last first day of graduate school. I've dreamed of this moment for the five years...maybe longer.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the past five years. All that I've lost. And all that I've gained. Life has not been easy. But whose life is?

I spend a lot of time worrying thinking about the what ifs of the future. What will happen when I am finally done with school? Will it have been worth it?

I cannot change the past. There's a part of me that doesn't really want to either. As for the future? No amount of dreaming could provide certainty.


And all the time I've spent dwelling in the past or dreaming of the future - I forgot about where I actually am. The present. 

This is the present.

And I'm not spending enough time in it. I'm not concentrating enough on it. I've realized some of the best moments of my life have slipped by unnoticed because I didn't concentrate enough in the present.

Today is the last day of my first day of graduate school. Today is going to be a good day. 

Never Give Up On A Dream... #DreamUp13

I transferred to The City College of New York as an undergraduate student in the spring of 2003. It was my third college transfer. I lost about half of my credits. I was 27 years old. I was in a committed relationship. And I was working full-time and going to school part-time at night. 

When it was time to register for the fall, I met with the advisor and expressed my concern about the limited course selection. Many of the classes I needed were during the day. 

The advisor gave me two options: quit school or quit work.

I walked out of the advisor's office feeling extremely discouraged. I asked for options and the advisor gave me two that really weren't.

So I transferred to another school: Lehman College. I lost more credits. And I was pushed farther away from my dream.

Many people in my life didn't understand why I was going to school. They would ask me about my plans after I graduated. Was I going to look for another job? Would I make more money? When I answered, "Probably not, my degree is just for me," - it was a hard concept for some people to accept.

By the fall of 2005, I was pregnant and some members of my family urged me to take time off. But I was so close to graduating that I didn't want to quit. I compromised and went to school Saturday mornings and took an online class. I took the spring semester off since I was home on maternity leave but by the following fall, I was back in school. It wasn't easy, trying to find balance between school, work and family. But I was determined. I thought of school as my 'me time.' 

In my final semester at Lehman, I was taking three classes and applying to graduate school while working full time and taking care of my family. It was also the time The Boy was being evaluated. 

The Boy was diagnosed with autism two weeks before my college graduation. And instead of celebrating that summer, I spent it researching autism, visiting specialized preschools and rearranging our lives to accommodate all the recommended services.

Family and friends suggested I put graduate school on hold to be there for Norrin. But I was determined to at least start. I knew that if I started, I could take a break and have the desire to finish. I knew that if I didn't start that fall, I would never go.

I returned to The City College of New York for my first semester as a graduate student in the fall of 2008. It was difficult. Sitting in class with students years younger than me with worries unlike mine. It was demanding, trying to be an advocate for my child and keep up with everything. And I felt guilty for wanting to be both mother and student. 

I took the next semester off because work and school and autism was too much. But I wasn't worried, I had already started and I knew I would return.

Ten years ago I was given two unrealistic choices: quit school or quit work. I believed in myself and created my own options. I learned to let go of time tables, I ignored what everyone else was doing. I pursued my dream while living my life.

I got married. I switched jobs. I attended 4 schools. I changed majors. I moved (twice). I had a baby; he was diagnosed with autism. I started a novel. Family members have died. The Husband retired and started a new career. I had a miscarriage. I started this blog. I've traveled. I sued my school district and fought for a better placement for my son. I have loved, lost, laughed and cried. I have wanted to give up  at every obstacle. But I kept going. 


In a few weeks, I will start my final semester at City College. I will prepare and submit my thesis - 125 pages of my writing. And in May 2013, I will march in cap and gown to Pomp and Circumstance. I will graduate (hopefully with honors) and be the first in my family to have a Masters degree.

Twenty years after my high school graduation, ten years after I was given the option to quit and five years after The Boy's autism diagnosis, I will have fulfilled the dream I didn't think was possible for someone like me. 

     

Tonight I am excited to participate in the Mamiverse Target Twitter Party #DreamUp13 

It has been proven by experts across all areas of study that sharing your personal goals with as many people as you can helps motivate you to make those same goals real.   

Invoking the support of everyone you know, and perhaps some you have yet to meet, builds a network of inspiration that will help you achieve your goals.  

Establishing this Twitterverse base of personal life-coaches will enable you to ask them for advice when you need it, support when you crave it, and get them to cheerlead you into making 2013 a year of total success.

I would love for you to join in and share your dream. 

RSVP for Mamiverse Twitter Party here -https://www.facebook.com/events/183482375130417/

Hashtag: #DreamUp13

Prizes: Three $125 Target GiftCards will be given away

Hosts and cohosts to follow: @Mamiverse @LorraineCLadish @EileenCCampos @CosmoforLatinas @MamiverseBooks @MamiverseFood

I Am Overweight

I took this screen shot of my Wii image last January. And six months before, I was lighter. Emotionally and psychically. In the last two years I have gained nearly 20 pounds. I call it The Weight of Autism.  

And last night I stepped on the scale. I have passed the 160 pound mark.

I am overweight. I am far from in shape. And I am not happy. It's hard getting dressed in the morning because I try on several outfits trying to conceal my weight - some days are more successful than others. The thought of going someplace nice depresses me because even though I have closet full of clothes, the items I want to wear don't fit. And I can't stand going shopping especially when I have to keep buying bigger sizes. Nothing fits comfortably anymore and it makes me incredibly self conscious.

I know that if I don't do something about it, I will keep gaining weight.

I hate New Year resolutions. I never keep them. But this isn't about a resolution. It's about making a life style change. It's about making better choices. It's about being healthier. Because The Boy needs me to be.


For my other life style changes check out my post on Parents.com - Resolutions For An Autism Parent  

  

How I Do It

I work full time.  I go to grad school part time. I write this blog.  I write a weekly post for Parents.com/To The Max. And occasionally someone else will ask that I write for them. And sometimes because of my writing, I have the opportunity to travel.

All this and I have a 6.5 year old kid with autism.

People often ask me, how I do it.

And when asked this question, I shrug my shoulders and dismiss all I do.  Because most days, I don’t give it much thought.

I do it on very little sleep...sometimes none at all. 

I do it with very little thanks but know that I am appreciated.

I do it because I am lucky to have a husband who is supportive.

I do with coffee every morning and - at times - one too many glasses of wine at night.

I do it without making the beds in the morning and leaving dishes overnight in the sink.

I do it without cooking, dusting or mopping as much as I should.  

I do it with constant guilt and fear of failure.

I do it because I need to work, I am eager to learn and I want to be known for something more as Norrin's mom, Joseph's wife and someone's secretary.

I do it on less than a six figure salary. (That’s right Mitt, I’m part of that 47%) 

I do it without mani's, pedi's and trips to the spa.

I do it with very little help from family and with less help from friends.

I do it uncertain whether anything I do will make a difference.

I do it on days when all I want to do is stay in bed and cry. And on days when I believe anything is possible.

I do it while being physically present but my mind is usually someplace else.

Most days I do it hanging by a thread. 

I do it by smiling with a cheerful, "I'm okay" even on days when it hurts. 

I do it with laughter because humor gets me by.      

I do it knowing I can't change the past but hoping to change the future.

I do it because on the day The Boy was born, I promised I would love him unconditionally.

I do it because I cannot control how others will treat him, but I can control how I will support him.

I do it living in a black and white world, The Boy is the only color I see.

(originally posted on October 12)

I'm Stranded in Texas, My Heart is in New York #Hurricane Sandy

It's been rough couple of days - the mom guilt is kicking in full force. I think I've cried all over Texas. I want to be with The Boy right now. And I can't. I am stranded in Houston, TX. My flights have been cancelled...

And I'm glued to CNN watching the news.

There is so much I want to say about the excitement of LATISM'12. How happy I am to have won an award. How grateful I am for everyone's support...how inspired I feel by being surrounded by so many amazing Latinos.

But right now - I just can't. I'm thinking of my family and friends in New York and all over the east coast. Stay safe. I'm praying for you and love you. If it's one thing I love about my city is how resilient we are. How we have the ability to come together in moments of crisis. We will be okay. We can get through this.

Please STAY SAFE. Stay where you are. Stay off the roads. Listen to the instructions of the Mayor and Governor.

Hopefully I will be home soon.

Thank you to all my friends in the blogging community - especially, Juan and Ariana (my new Houston friends) - your hospitality and generosity will never be forgotten.

There are a few I want to thank personally but I know you do not want to be thanked publicly. Please know, I am extremely moved by your words and support.