Friday, May 17, 2013

The Day I Ran Away From Home

I have been under a lot of stress lately. Feeling like I am being pulled in a million directions. Struggling to catch up and feeling like I'm always falling short.

Last week I submitted my thesis - five years worth of my best writing and it was like this weight was lifted off of my shoulders.


But there was still mounds of laundry to get done. Stacks of unopened mail. Paperwork to fill out. And everywhere I looked there was something that needed to get done. So much stuff that I let pile up for so long.

Then the pressure of writing and deadlines. Writing for Babble & Parents are second and third jobs for me. So between working outside the home, writing at night, writing my thesis, taking care of The Boy it was only a matter of time before I snapped.

Well I snapped last Saturday. Big time. (The Husband and I may have gotten into a little tiff.) And I just needed to get out. Because sometimes you just need to get away from your husband and your kid and your home. Sometimes you just need to say: F--k doing laundry and dishes and groceries and responsibility. 


As I was getting dressed The Boy asked, "Where are you going Mommy?" (I know!! Such an appropriate WH-question!!) 

"Out." I said.

"You're going to the supermarket." The Boy said. It sounded more like demand. 

"No. I am not going to the supermarket. I am just going out."

I kissed him goodbye and walked out the door.

I took the train downtown and had an amazing day with my best girlfriends. We had sangria and burgers and wine and nutella panini's. (What can I say, we have pretty sophisticated taste.) I took a picture with Captain Cragen (swoon). And I treated myself to a mani/pedi.


I needed that day. All moms deserve a day to run away from home. 

When I returned hours later, The Husband told me that when I walked out the door The Boy said, "Mommy's going to Texas."

Apparently, the only places The Boy thinks I go is to the supermarket and Texas.  I don't always have to run to the supermarket for solace and I don't have to go as far as Texas (nor do I want to) but sometimes a happy compromise and a day away from it all is good for the mom soul.               




Thursday, May 16, 2013

#LatinasThinkBig - I'll Be Live Tweeting Tonight!

”LATINAS

I have been looking forward to the Latinas Think Big Event for months. Months! And I'm honored to have been asked to be one of the Twitter ambassadors. The event is sold out and I'm so happy I got my ticket early. But even if you don't have a ticket you can participate via twitter and the event will be streamed live through Google. Everything you need to know about this awesome event is below -      

WHEN: Thursday, May 16th, 2013
TIME: From 6:00 PM to 9:00 PM EDT
OFFICIAL HASHTAG: #LATINASTHINKBIG
EVENT HOST: @ELLAInstitute

LIVE STREAM HOST: @Google 
LATINAS THINK BIG™ Live Stream page: http://bit.ly/15qkAyU


TWITTER AMBASSADORS:
Alexandra Morbitzer - @AlliChasesBliss
Catarina Rivera - @CatarinaRivera  
Chantilly PatiƱo - @BiculturalMom
Francesca Escota Zavala - @WAOFrancesca
Jenn Sanchez - @JennSanchezMPA
Lisa Quinones-Fontanez - @LaliQuin <---- ME!!!!!
Lisa Velazquez - @LisaTalksLove
Patti Cordova - @PattieCordova
Raquel Negron - @RachlWhite
Tanisha Love Ramirez - @TanishaLove
Vicglamar Torres - @vicglamar
Vicky Barrios - @DocSabia

Subscribe to the Twitter Ambassador list here - https://twitter.com/EllaInstitute/ltb-twitter-ambassadors 

About the LATINAS THINK BIG™ event tour: http://www.ellainstitute.com/tour

LATINAS THINK BIG™ Live Stream page: http://bit.ly/15qkAyU

About ELLA Institute and related resources: http://www.ellainstitute.com/welcome

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

So Now What?

I am home from my very last night of class. Last week I turned in my thesis.


I. Am. Done. Finally. After five years of graduate school. It's over.


All that's left is my graduation.


People keep asking me how it feels, if I'm excited. And I smile or shrug my shoulders. But I honestly? It feels anti-climatic.


"I don't think it really means anything," I told my therapist. (Yes - I've been seeing a therapist, that's for another PYHO post)


"Are you depressed?" she asked.


I could only nod because admitting to my depression is something I not ready to say out loud. 


I don't know what it means. I'm trying to be excited about it but the finality of it scares me.


The Now What has been looming for the last few months. And now it's here. 


I have spent the last five years in graduate school. Fifteen years struggling to obtain my B.A. It's been twenty years of studying, writing, registering and reading. Nearly twenty years trying to juggle work and school and in these last eight raising family. I've moved and gotten married, had a baby, had that baby diagnosed with autism, got pregnant again and suffered an overwhelming loss. I have started this blog and become a writer.


And still. I don't know what it means. I wonder what was the point? And has it been worth it. I've said all along that this degree was for me but I think deep down I wanted it to be more. And right now, it feels like it means nothing.


I will never have to register for another class or fight with the bursar or wait for a grade. I will never have to write another paper or leave work early to make it to class on time. I will never need to sacrifice a weekend to read I don't want to read. And I will never have to write a short story or essay ever again. I should be feeling a sense of freedom.


Instead I feel this overwhelming sense of emptiness. Because now what? Now what do I do with this time? What do I do with this degree, this piece of paper that has no value in my world? Being a student has been a part of my identity that without it - I feel lost.
I started this blog as a class assignment. I was going through a difficult time, mourning a loss and  frustrated with the Turning 5 process. I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't over think things - I just wrote. 


I've loved and appreciated every opportunity that has come with this blog but these last few months, I have been struggling with it. Struggling to keep up. My confidence in my writing has been shaken and I'm constantly questioning every post I publish. Is it good enough? Will people 'like' it, share it or leave a comment? Stressing over my Google page rank, SEO, analytics and Alexa score and social media reach. 


I'm questioning whether I can or should continue. I'm wondering what's the point, if my writing means anything? And is it worth the pressure?


So now what? I don't know. 


I'm giving myself till September to figure it out.