Saturday, July 23, 2011

He Believes, He Believes

Yesterday while trolling scrolling through my news feed on FB, I came across a post that immediately caught me attention: Who Believes in You written by Elena at CiaoMom.  Her post was inspired by a Kick in the Blog - a new site dedicated for blog inspiration. (Brilliant!) 

The prompt was: Who believes in you today? Who believed in you in the past? 
I didn't even have to think twice.

In the of May 2010, after a grueling CPSE meeting, the parent member told me that the best therapy we could provide for The Boy was a sibling.

Later that evening, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.  I believed it was a sign, it was meant to be.  We were excited, apprehensive but looking forward to having a baby.  We were ready.  At my first prenatal visit, my obgyn said the due date was to be January 20th.  That was another sign!  The Boy's birthday is January 20th - they'd be exactly 5 years apart.

But during my 16 week visit, the baby's heart had stopped.  And for a few moments, mine had stopped too.  I had what was called a missed miscarriage.  Walking out of the doctor's office that day, across the street to the hospital, I felt heavy.  Like when your arm falls asleep and it's hard to move and it's tingly numb and you keep pinching the skin trying to bring it back to life.  That is how my entire body felt.  Numb.  I could have been stabbed twenty times and not felt a thing.

Was it a sign too?  A sign that another baby is not meant to be?

I've tried to convince myself it was "for the best," like some people said.  Considering all the running around I did over the course of the year - touring & interviewing at schools for The Boy.  Considering all the money that was spent on application fees, on books, on a special education consultant.  How would pregnancy and a newborn altered my decision making process? 

During this year, I've doubted myself at least once a day.  I've questioned every decision.  And at least once a week, I've crumpled into a ball on the sofa and cried.  For our loss, for our unsuccessful attempts at trying again, for fear of failure.  

And during this year, The Husband has comforted me.  Consoled me.  Held me.  And just let me be.  He tells me I am making the right decisions, when I think I have not.  He tells I am doing the best job ever, when I think I have failed.  He tells me I'm a good mother, when I say I'm not doing enough.  He tells me to keep writing, when I think what's the point.  He tells me 'we will keep trying.'  He reminds me that The Boy loves me and appreciates me even though he does not say it spontaneously or look me in the eye.  The Husband tells me over and over again, that he believes.  And every so often, I believe him.    
The Husband is a big Frank Sinatra fan and this is one of his favorite songs.

I believe, I believe,
I believe in wishing wells,
But I also believe in a lot of things,
Things the daisy tells,
I believe, I believe that a four-leaf clover brings,
Lots of luck, lots of joy, lots of happiness,
I believe those things.
And when it's christmas time I believe in santa claus,
Why do I believe, I guess that I believe because
I believe, I believe,
I believe that dreams come true,
If you wish for a dream by a wishing well,
Don't tell your wish or you'll break the spell,
It may sound naive, but that's what I believe

Lyrics by Ervin Drake

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AutismWonderland - written by Lisa Quinones-Fontanez - is a personal blog chronicling a NYC family's journey with autism, while also sharing local resources for children/families with special needs.