Max Loses His Only Friend | #Parenthood (Season 5, Episode 12) "Stay a Little Longer"

Parenthood: Season 5, Episode 12

Stay a Little Longer (Jan 9, 2014)

I've been watching Parenthood since it started. I don't know why I've never written about it before. I love the show. (It also sort of annoys me…but I don't want to get into that now.) The show tackles subjects that really hit close to home for me. Last night's episode - rather Max' story line - really moved me.

Recap:

Adam's confused when Micah ignores Max at school. Micah is still Max's best friend, right? Max says they aren't friends anymore, but refuses to elaborate. Kristina wants to call Micah's parents, but Adam is determined to solve the issue directly with Max. After much probing, Max tells Adam that Micah's obsessed with basketball, which is stupid since he's in a wheelchair and can't play. Wheelchair basketball isn't basketball. Maybe that's what offended Micah... Per Adam's suggestion, Max apologizes to Micah and invites him to a Golden State Warriors game complete with hot dogs and nachos. Too busy with his new friends, Micah says no. Adam's heart breaks; Max has lost his only friend. Kristina and Adam rally, revving Max up for an awesome basketball game with his parents.

What I love about Adam and Christina (Max' parents) is how differently they feel when it comes to Max. It's honest and relatable. Over the years, I've seen them grow as a couple and evolve as special needs parents. And yet there is still so much they have yet to learn. I think they believed that because Max and Michah both have disabilities (for lack of a better word) - it would be the ideal friendship. However, Micah's rejection of Max reveals that having a disability doesn't automatically mean you can tolerate or understand someone else's.  

Adam tells Christina, "Max has lost his only friend at school and kids at school are starting to notice his differences and he's all alone." 

It's an experience I can see our family having. Maybe that's why last night's episode hurt my heart so much.

The Boy doesn't go to school with typical kids but he is getting older. The Boy will turn eight years old in two weeks. And the older he gets the more obvious his differences become. The Boy does not have the same interests as a 'typical' 8 year old boy. There are times when I wonder if The Boy experiences loneliness. Even if he doesn't, whenever we're at the playground and The Boy is playing alone - I feel it for him.

Breaking up with a friend is painful. When I walked away from a 20 year friendship it was a difficult decision but I knew it had to be done. And while I missed my friend, I took comfort in the fact that I had other valuable friendships. I could not imagine losing my one and only friend.     

I know Max is only a character in a television show, but that rejection is real. It's something so many kids with autism face. And it's damaging. I never want The Boy to go through that. If I could shield him from those experiences forever, I would. But I can't. 

The Boy doesn't need to be the most popular kid at school. All I want is for The Boy to have one kid, at least one person who gets him.  

While Max has lost his only friend at school, I'm grateful that he has Hank. Because Hank is someone who gets Max.

And I hope there's someone like Hank in The Boy's life.

And if you have no idea what I'm talking about...check out this clip from last week's Parenthood episode, "Promises." (I was a hot sloppy sobbing mess watching this.)

Through the Looking Glass - Flannery Sullivan of The Connor Chronicles

I am so excited to have Flannery guest posting today!  She has got to be one of my favorite peeps out in the blogosphere.  I admire her sharp wit and wicked sense of humor.  Please be sure to check out her original post - the photos are a hilarious!  (I would have added myself, but I'm totally being a lazy a-- this week.)
 

Things I Learned When the Air Conditioning Went Out

originally posted on 6/20/11

This past weekend it was 102 degrees each day, which meant it was the perfect time for the air conditioning to go out.  And so it did.  On Saturday, it started making strange grinding noises and then went out during the late afternoon.


We called around, and couldn't get anyone out until Sunday morning.  Fine.  We toughed it out that night and had every ceiling fan and box fan in the house going at full speed.


On Sunday morning the AC guy gave the motor a "jump" and said he'd have to get a replacement motor on Monday.  By 11am it was off again, and could not be jumped back into life.  By 5pm, we decided we'd be getting a hotel room for the night since it was 96 degrees in the house.


I learned some very important things during the great air conditioning outage of 2011, and they are:

1.  It can and will get hotter inside the house than it is outside the house, despite having insulation and five fans.


2.  In terms of survival, it's better to live somewhere cold than somewhere hot when modern conveniences cease to function properly.  If it's cold, there are several options for survival, including starting a fire, layering clothing, generating body heat through exercise, huddling together for warmth, etc.  If it's hot, you're pretty much just fucked.

3.  Boob sweat is the most disgusting of all the sweat produced by the body.

4.  ADHD overrides Asperger's when it comes to staying in a hotel, especially if the last time you were in a hotel was when you were two-years-old and you don't remember it.  There was mad dashing around the house to pack, followed by jumping up and down and pleas of "can we just GO now?"


5.  There are lots of things to do in a room that is 14x10.  First, you can amuse yourself by jumping from one bed to the other, while pretending the floor is hot lava.  You can also turn on and off every light in the room 15 times, just because the light buttons are different than home.  There are also numerous doors, cabinets, and drawers to be opened and closed repetitively, as well as a window with curtains you can pull open and closed until your mother's face turns so red from annoyance that it appears it may pop right off her shoulders.


6.  It takes enormous restraint to not beat a child senseless who has just lifted his ass off the couch cushion in the lobby, and let a huge, disgusting fart rip...3 feet from the refined looking Asian lady also sitting in the lobby.




7.  Setting the thermostat for 62 degrees in your room will make you giddily happy, and will result in peaceful slumber.


8.  Hotels do not get the full array of cable channels, and at 8pm the only choices for a child are the local news station or How I Met Your Mother, neither of which seems to be interesting or appropriate for a six-year-old.


9.  A grown woman who has narrowly avoided heat stroke can lay on a hotel bed in her underwear, happily playing Pumpkins vs. Monsters, for a solid hour.
 10.  Packing an overnight bag when you are about to pass out from heat exhaustion means you will be wearing brown pants, a fuchsia tank, and a white shrug to work the next day.


11.  I won't pay more than $1.69 for a loaf of bread, but I'll pay almost anything to have a comfortable temperature.


The next time we move, in addition to considering the cost of living, unemployment rate, school ratings, housing prices, and crime rates, we will also be considering the average daytime temperature and whether we could survive outdoors in a tent for more than 20 minutes.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have a husband, a child on the spectrum, a full-time job, two dogs, three two fish, and a housemate.  And we relocated from California to Texas.  This blog might be the only thing keeping me on the ledge.

I am mom to Connor, our five-year-old son who has severe ADHD and mild Asperger’s.  He is our pride and joy, as well as our biggest challenge.  He was born in Southern California, as were my husband and I.  We relocated to Texas in 2007, and marvel at the differences every day.

I blog about whatever random amusement comes to mind.  Good luck making sense of it.

Autistic Today. Typical Tomorrow? (or Who will benefit from the proposed changes to the autism definition?

If you have a child somewhere, anywhere on the autism spectrum, you probably read this article by now.   If you haven't, here are what I deem as "the highlights": 

The definition [of autism] is now being reassessed by an expert panel appointed by the American Psychiatric Association, which is completing work on the fifth edition of its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the first major revision in 17 years. 

*

The changes would narrow the diagnosis so much that it could effectively end the autism surge, said Dr. Fred R. Volkmar, director of the Child Study Center at the Yale School of Medicine and an author of the new analysis of the proposal. “We would nip it in the bud.”

*

At least a million children and adults have a diagnosis of autism or a related disorder, like Asperger syndrome or “pervasive developmental disorder, not otherwise specified,” also known as P.D.D.-N.O.S. People with Asperger’s or P.D.D.-N.O.S. endure some of the same social struggles as those with autism but do not meet the definition for the full-blown version. The proposed change would consolidate all three diagnoses under one category, autism spectrum disorder, eliminating Asperger syndrome and P.D.D.-N.O.S. from the manual.

(I won't divulge my immediate reaction upon reading this article.  While in real life, I may have quite the potty mouth, I just don't write that way.) 
 
If the proposed changes are made, this will not impact The Boy.  He's autistic.  He'll fit the criteria today, tomorrow and quite possibly twenty years from now.  No ifs, ands or buts about it.

But it could impact many people I know.  And I know how critical services are to their families. 

What Do Services Have To Do With It?

I don't know how it works in other parts of the country/world?  But within New York City?  Diagnosis is EVERYTHING.  And even with a diagnosis, you still need to fight tooth and nail for appropriate services.  They're just not given out like candy.     

And if the criteria of diagnosis changes...so will the services.   Services like OT, PT and Speech.  And school placements in smaller classrooms or specialized school programs unfunded by the New York Department of Education.  

More importantly, how will that impact Special Education Laws?  What will become of appropriate school placement?

And when I think of my best friend's daughter who has a PDD-NOS diagnosis - a little girl who is at age level, cognitively but has speech delays and requires a smaller classroom setting. She's currently in a specialized preschool and receives OT and Speech.  If the criteria changes - will she no longer qualify for special education?  Will the DOE recommend she be placed in a typical classroom of 25 or more kids?  It's quite possible.  But it's not where she belongs.  And it's absolutely not where she will succeed.  (Not as of now anyway.)

For the last few years, I've heard about budget cuts to special education, special needs services and medicaid.  I've heard of agencies and schools shutting down and therapists moving on to other careers.  In areas like The Bronx, where services and therapists and finances are already extremely limited, what will families do to ensure their child gets the therapies they need?  Will their children have a chance?

And please don't me get started on insurance companies who will do absolutely anything not to pay for services...

As it is, The Boy has a diagnosis and my insurance still gives me the run around.  

Maybe I'm reading this article all wrong.  I mean, I'm not a doctor.  Nor am I business analyst.  I'm just a mom.  But to me, the only people who this may benefit from the diagnostic change criteria are government agencies.  

So MY Big Question is:

What exactly are they trying to nip in the bud?

~~~~~~
If you are opposed to the change - please sign this petition.
(petition started by the Mom behind The Aspie Side of Life)   

#YouMightBeAnAutismParentIf

you've been on twitter lately and following these tweets - #youmightbeanautismparentif. 

If you haven't - you should.  It's been steadily growing.  The idea for the twitter party was started by Many Hats Mommy and the hashtag was created by @RaisingASDKids.   

Honestly up until a few days ago I wasn't one for twitter.  I didn't really get it, couldn't keep up - I didn't really understand the point of the hashtag.  But since I've been participating in the #youmightbeanautismparentif twitter party, I've been a tweet freak.  I think I've come out of the Twitter closet and now ready to embrace @LaliQuin (my twitter name). 

I'm throwing out hashtags and retweeting and replying to tweets. (Ok, still working on my response time.) 

And when @HollyRod4kids retweeted ME.  I yelled out - OMG!  Because that's the kind of Twitter dork I am. 

The absolute best part of this ongoing twitter party is that I've connected with so many people, I may not have met otherwise.  I'm laughing and crying and nodding my head because the things other parents are writing I totally get.  Because it's always nice to know I'm not alone in my thoughts. 

Here are just a few of my favorites:  

@diaryofamom #youmightbeanautismparentif you find yourself celebrating and heartbroken - at the same time and for the exact same reason.

@jillsmo  #youmightbeanautismparentif you have to live forever. No, I'm serious. This isn't optional.

@autismfather  #youmightbeanautismparentif one moment, you feel completely alone & the next, you're a part of a large, passionate & supportive community.

@loumelgarejo #youmightbeanautismparentif You see a child breaking down in public and don't pass judgment on the child... or the parents.

@LLA_Princess #youmightbeanautismparentif you always talk like you are in a social story....."And that's ok"

@Birdakamaude #youmightbeanautismparentif you've read enough books on #autism that you could practically be a doctor yourself

 

@trydefyinggrav #YouMightBeAnAutismParentIf you wanted to write your own #Parenting book because the ones you have are useless in your world.

@jodigomes #youmightbeanautismparentif youve accepted that NORMAL in ur house is exactly opposite of "typical" in pediatricians office #Autism

 

@RaisingASDKids #youmightbeanautismparentif once child knows no Santa u watch him so he doesn't tell every small child bc "they need to know the truth too"

@manyhatsmommyMI And the companion guilt: #Youmightbeanautismparentif you feel guilty that your child says "I love you" when so many others don't. #autism

@thecoffeeklatch If you want to follow the most inspirational thread on Twitter - get a kleenex and be inspired #youmightbeanautismparentif #TCK.


And here are a few of mine -
 LaliQuin AutismWonderland

#youmightbeanautismparentif you look at pictures pre-diagnosis and wonder "Why didn't I see it?" #guilt

 

#YouMightBeAnAutismParentif you have a hard time going to sleep at a reasonable hour. #neverlearn #needmoresleep

 

#youmightbeanautismparentif you've slipped on, stepped on, rolled over on (yes, in bed) Legos #OUCH

 

#youmightbeanautismparentif YOU know in the grand scheme of things #autism isn't a big deal, but hate when others say, "it's no big deal"

 

 

#youmightbeanautismparentif potty training is taking years not weeks. And let's not discuss night-time potty training...

 

#youmightbeanautismparentif hate hearing "Oh but that's all kids" Because no...it's really not.

 

 

#youmightbeanautismparentif Goals are the priority

Go ahead join the #YouMightBeAnAutismParentIf conversation on twitter! 

#youmightbeanautismparentif _____________________.

Tips for Turning 5: Where to Begin

School may have just started but if your child has an IEP, Turning 5 and entering kindergarten next Fall - you may want need to start doing your homework now.

No.  It's not too soon to start touring schools and applying.  Trust me.  Anyway, last year was pretty tough for me and I thought I'd share some of the things that were helpful to me.
  
1.  Give yourself plenty of time. The transition from CPSE to CSE is truly a year long process.  One with many deadlines - know them all - and appointments.  You will need to tour schools, fill out applications, have your child interviewed at schools, possibly make an appointment(s) for a private evaluation, meet with the CPSE and the list goes on and on.     

2.  Schedule enough time to get a private evaluation. By the time you go into your Turning 5 meeting, you'll want to be armed with a private evaluation with recommendations.  Start calling around in September - as there may be wait lists.    

3.  Attend the JCC Special Needs school fair on Tuesday, October 25th.  "The JCC in Manhattan and YAI/NYL/LIFESTART partner to present the annual Special Needs School Fair. Representatives from preschools, elementary, middle, and high schools serving the New York City special needs community will be onsite to provide information and answers to your questions. School materials will be available."  For registration information click here and go the the JCC Manhattan website.

I attended this last year.  Get there early.  Go with a pen, notepad, a bottle of water and some Advil.  It's overwhelming. But almost every single school within the 5 boroughs, Westerchester and Long Island are there.  If you're a working mom or just limited with time to schedule appointments, the school fair is a great way meet representatives, pick up applications and set up appointments to tour. 

4. Make a list/spreadsheet of all the schools you want to tour and/or apply to.  But tour a school before you apply.  Sometimes you'll know just by walking into a building whether or not it's the proper placement for your child.  Many schools will tell you - the earlier (by December is ideal) they recieve the applications the better.  Many schools have application fees, which can become a financial hardship when applying to several schools.  Ask if the fee can be waived or reduced.      

5.  Be honest with yourself.  I cannot stress this enough.  As parents, it's natural to want to believe your child is the rock star of the class.  However, when touring schools - look at the children, listen to the them, watch with a keen eye.  Then ask yourself the tough questions.  Does my child fit in here?  Would my child have a hard time?  Can my child do the work? Will my child need a para to get through the day?


Your feelings will be hurt.  You will feel frustrated.  You will be disappointed.  Your child will be rejected.  You will wonder - why wasn't my child good enough for the _______ School?  Your child will be accepted.  


In the end - it really will work out.  And if it doesn't, that's okay too.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  It just means, you'll have a second chance to get it right. 

Questions are Welcome, Staring is Not

With The Boy's kindergarten placement in a "typical" public school this September - I am nervous about how the other kids will treat The Boy and his classmates.


Will they make fun of him?
Will they isolate him?
Will they ignore him altogether as if he does not exist?


These are concerns every parent of a special needs child has.

A few weeks ago, I attended a BBQ with The Boy and The Husband.  There were "typical" kids at this BBQ, kids around The Boy's age. They were playing at the sand/water table near their parents when The Boy ran over.  Excited by the sand and water, he started hand flapping and making his bird like sounds ("EEEEEEEEEEEEEE").  The parents looked at The Boy and when I smiled at them, they smiled back and looked away.  I tried to introduce The Boy to the other kids.  I made him say hello.  They politely said hello back.  And that was it.


From time to time they stared at The Boy.  I could tell they were curious, trying to figure out his behavior in their young minds.  One boy even asked, "What's 'EEEEEEEEEE'?" And I clumsily tried to explain to this 6 year old about autism and sensory processing disorder.


But still, The Boy was ignored.  Not that it mattered to him, he didn't notice.  It mattered to me.  I can preach about autism awareness and acceptance all I want.  But when I step off my soap blogging box, it still hurts when your kid is the one that's left out and looked passed.  Because it's easier to ignore him, than to stop and ask questions to try and understand.  And how much can I really expect from 6 year olds?


The Boy is at the age where autism is becoming more and more obvious.  It's not like when he was 2 or 3 or even 4 when it was easily disguised.  He's 5 1/2 and he's different and there's no calling it anything else.  He is my son and he goes where we go.  We shouldn't have to hide him from society, because his behaviors make others uncomfortable. 

And then, just this past weekend we were in Best Buy.  And The Boy was being The Boy.  This woman smiled at us and said, "He's just beautiful."  And I thanked her.  Then she asked, "What school does he go to?"

I was taken aback by her question.  It seemed intrusive. But I told her the school and explained that it was a special school because he has autism.  It turns out the woman - Regina - was a speech pathologist.  We talked for a few minutes - about schools, related services. Regina wasn't being intrusive, she was being respectful, she was treating us with dignity and delicacy.  I'm sure she realized The Boy was on the Spectrum, but she didn't say anything until I did.  Asking what school The Boy went to was a safe, unassuming question.  (I've had people stop me in the street and say "Does he talk?" - which is sort of rude.)     

I want people to come up and ask questions; I welcome them. But to stare and look away ashamed when I meet their eye? I don't want that.  Who would? 

I love when people ask me about autism; when people ask about The Boy.  It shows me that people want to learn, understand and accept autism as a different way of being.  Different doesn't mean bad, it just means different.  And I want parents and children to get to know The Boy that I love.  That's all any parent wants: acceptance and understanding.  

But you can't accept and understand autism if you don't know anything about it.   

So if you're unsure on how to approach the parent of the "weird" kid. All you have to do is ask: 

What school does your child go to?   

That's the right question to ask and the best way to start a dialogue.    

Beyond Rain Man

Most people who don't know much about autism place it in 2 categories: Rain Man or Temple Grandin. But Rain Man is just a movie. And Temple Grandin – though certainly amazing and worthy of all accolades –  is just one person living with autism. Not every child diagnosed with autism will become a Temple Grandin. And that’s okay.  

There are so many every day success stories. Stories that get 5 minutes on the local news channel or shared through out Facebook. Stories that don't get made into movies, though their stories of commitment and perseverance are certainly movie worthy.  These are the stories that are changing the perception of autism.  So in honor of World Autism Awareness Day, I wanted to share a few.

Carly Fleischmann – Carly is a nonverbal teenage girl who has learned to communicate by typing.  Carly  has over 9,000 followers on Twitter.  She is definitely someone to follow @carlysvoice. 

Eric Duquette – the 18 year old who graduated HS – not only with honors but gave the commencement speech.  When first diagnosed, the doctors told his parents that he would end up in an institution.

Marken Suaza – a 10 year old Long Island boy who saved a classmate’s life by performing the Heimlich.  Marken blogs at Friends to Grow.  Marken appeared on Fox Five - the video may be viewed here.

Jason McElwain  - the high school basketball player who scored 20 points in 3 minutes.

Or my son – who when initially diagnosed at 2.5 years old had no language.  After three months of Early Intervention acquired 7 words.  By the time he aged out of E.I. – Norrin had hundreds of words.  Maybe thousands.  And here he is at 4.5 years old singing to his cousin.    

These are just 5 stories but there are thousands of boys and girls and men and women who are living with autism.  Autism does nothing to diminish their personalities, it enhances it.  Autism shapes who they are,  it creates the character of a group of individuals who are so often misunderstood.    

Billy the Kid (2007 documentary)

Photo of Billy by Shane Sigler - Eight Films/Isotope Films

Directed by Jennifer Venditti, Billy the Kid, is a coming age of story.  Venditti documents fifteen year old Billy's lonely life in small town Maine. It is poignant and painful - there are moments that we all can relate to.  Billy describes himself: "I'm not black, I'm not white, not foreign, just different in the mind. Different brains, that's all."


The relationship between Billy and his mother, Penny, is especially beautiful to watch.  They have an honest and open relationship. Penny is both Billy's only friend and parent and you can sense the struggle within her to be both. I won't say anymore - this is an absolutle must watch.