Life is Like a Bicycle | #WordlessWednesday

All That's Left Unsaid

The last days of July and the first few of August are painful. I find myself with too much time to think. Three years ago I suffered a loss. A grief so great, it's impossible to get over. I've written about this loss, my pain. Yet there is still so much left unsaid. And the unsaid is too painful to write. The unsaid is what hurts the most. And for now it's better left unsaid.

Today I will let others say it for me.   

*** 

A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven't. Most don't mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hadn't happened, so people imagine a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had. 

 

But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she'll know.
 

~ Barbara Kingsolver

Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss!

Wise Words of Buddha

Today is my last first day of graduate school. I've dreamed of this moment for the five years...maybe longer.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the past five years. All that I've lost. And all that I've gained. Life has not been easy. But whose life is?

I spend a lot of time worrying thinking about the what ifs of the future. What will happen when I am finally done with school? Will it have been worth it?

I cannot change the past. There's a part of me that doesn't really want to either. As for the future? No amount of dreaming could provide certainty.


And all the time I've spent dwelling in the past or dreaming of the future - I forgot about where I actually am. The present. 

This is the present.

And I'm not spending enough time in it. I'm not concentrating enough on it. I've realized some of the best moments of my life have slipped by unnoticed because I didn't concentrate enough in the present.

Today is the last day of my first day of graduate school. Today is going to be a good day. 

Faith Is...

Today is Martin Luther King Day and the 2nd inauguration of our President. It's a day of inspiration, hope and faith. It's a day to reflect and to look ahead.

I'm not a religious person. But that's not to say I do not have faith. There have been times in these last few years, I've had to rely on faith alone. It's the thing that's kept me going - especially in my darkest moments. 

Yesterday The Boy turned seven. Birthdays are always bittersweet.  While we celebrate another year, it's also a reminder. And with every year, the gap between typical and atypical grows wider. 

Every year, it's a little harder to see the whole staircase.

And I have to remember how far The Boy's come. I think of the milestones that keep me going on the days when I think I can't take another step.

I think of that Spring day almost five years ago when I first heard the words: your son has autism. At the time The Boy had no language, he couldn't point or clap or give me kiss. The staircase was impossible to see.

And then slowly, The Boy started to make progress and it became easier to take steps - even though I still couldn't see the whole staircase. I had faith.

I continue to have faith.

I don't know what the future holds for The Boy. I don't know even what the future holds for me. But I do know that The Boy will make progress. That while the gap between typical and atypical may not fully close, The Boy will continue to flourish. His language will continue to develop. He will become independent enough to manage his day to day needs. He will continue to teach me, surprise me and inspire me.

I don't need to see the whole staircase to know that. I don't even need to see a single step. I will continue to walk with The Boy hand in hand up the (at times, invisible) staircase until he is ready to take his first steps on his own. 

A Simple Act of Kindness Can Go a Long Way #26ActsOfKindness

I remember after September 11th how fragile New Yorkers were. When I returned to work, strangers said "good morning" and held the elevator door open.  

It's been more than a week since the Sandy Hook tragedy. And we are once again a nation in mourning. Our hearts heavy, are eyes watery and our minds still in disbelief. And in these times of unimaginable sorrow, we are reminded how precious life is and of how much we take for granted. 

Tis the season of goodwill toward men (women and children). And to honor the 26 lives lost, people everywhere are participating in random acts of kindness.

I try to be a kind person. I try to be considerate of others. I give up my seat on the train for pregnant women, parents holding babies and the elderly or disabled. I hold doors open for strangers. I say bless you when a stranger next to me sneezes, offer them a tissue if I have one. I smile and say 'good morning' to people I don't even know - because even a smile can make a difference in someone's day. I let people go ahead of me at the checkout line.

It's days before Christmas. And I haven't purchased a single gift for anyone other than The Boy. There just hasn't been any time to do so. And it's hard for me to buy gifts for those that mean the most because my gratitude is so great, it surpasses my limited budget.

I remember my mother saying to me once. "It doesn't matter what I give at Christmas, I give all year long." As a child I didn't understand what that meant. Now I do. My mother is the kind of person who gives all year round. She gives her time so generously and expects absolutely nothing in return. She gives of herself quietly, wanting no recognition, praise or even gratitude.I admire her most for that.

My mother never wants a gift for anything. But the other day, I called her up and thanked her. I really thanked for all of the help she has given me over the last few years. I told her much I appreciated everything she does for me. And I told her how grateful I was for everything. I think my words of appreciation were better than any gift.

But I also greatly appreciate the kindness of strangers. Having a son with autism - it's come to be something I have had to depend on. Random acts of kindness mean so much to me. And I try to pay it forward whenever I can.

I love the idea of Random Acts of Kindness. But the idea of posting about my acts of kindness and what I'm doing seems artificial for me. It's like how I feel about charity. When I give to something, I don't want to be recognized for it. I do it because I want to, not for any accolades.

I want to go into 2013 being a kinder person. But I don't need to talk about my kind acts, I just want to do them.  

I hope you do too.

Why I Write

 

I think Toni Morrison puts it best.  Don't get me wrong, I have reasons of my own.  One day (soon) I'll tell you.  But for now?  This will do.