Happy 7th Birthday to The Boy

Today is The Boy's 7th birthday. And like most mother's I wonder where the time went. It seems like only yesterday I brought him home from the hospital. 

Birthday parties are tough when you have a kid with autism. And for the last few years, we've really struggled about what to do to celebrate.  Last year, we went to the Monster Truck show. We get by with going to his school and bringing in cupcakes. But this year, the NYC School Bus Strike kind of put a damper on that. 

So this year, we kept it really low key. We went to friend's house yesterday and we had cupcakes and sang. The Boy had fun playing with his friends.  And today, we spent the day in Connecticut - just me, The Boy and The Husband. We went to the Maritime Aquarium, the Stepping Stones Children Museum and to P.F. Chang's for an early dinner. 

The Husband and I wish we could have done something more...typical (for lack of a better word). But The Boy had fun. He got some cool new toys and books. He got Chinese rice and cake. And as long The Boy has a good time on his birthday, that's all that matters.

How do you celebrate birthdays?    

Mesmerized

Feeling very Downton Abbey in this photo.  

They were so serious. I got hit a lot.  

Having a blast! (not to self: next time, short sleeves are best.)

Stepping into a Diego Rivera painting

A Painful Reminder While Sitting in the Waiting Room

Walking into my Ob/Gyn's office, I breathed a sigh of relief. There was no one else in the office. I sat down and filled out all the insurance paperwork. Then the door opened and a woman walked in. Then other. And then another. 

Within ten minutes there were six women in the waiting room. All of them noticeable pregnant.

Then there was me. I am not pregnant. 

This week is hard. The Boy will be seven years old on Sunday. The 20th. 

January 20th was also the due date of the baby that would have been born had I not had a missed miscarriage. The baby would have been two years old. 

I may have moved on but there's no getting over my loss. I will always love and long for the baby I never held, whose heartbeat I only heard. 

So this week I celebrate in company. This week I mourn alone.

Once someone asked me:

Do you think your miscarriage was a blessing - considering all the things you have to go through with your son? 

Without even blinking, I said "No, it wasn't a blessing." 

And I meant it when I said it. But I would be lying if I said, that person's question wasn't something I've wrestled with over the last two years. Especially on days, when things are really hard and I'm not feeling so lucky about raising a kid with autism. And some days I have to stop myself from wondering about how another baby would have altered our lives.  

Sitting in the waiting room, was a painful reminder. Yesterday there was no wrestling. Yesterday I allowed myself to wonder. Yesterday I felt the emptiness of my womb. Yesterday, it definitely didn't feel like a blessing.     

      

 photo credit: notsogoodphotography via photopin cc

10 Things I've Learned About Blogging In The 2 Years I've Been Blogging

Today is my Blog Birthday! I'm 2 years old. This last year especially has been insane and looking back, I'm incredibly grateful for...everything.   

I've also learned a lot in these last two years and I needed to remind myself with this list:  

10. Don't share your blog with your school district and then trash talk about how your kid's school is failing to provide a FAPE. Because they will read it.  And they won't like it.  (I know...seems like a no brainer. But um, I learned the hard way.)

9. Be okay with random people knowing personal sh*t about you. And wanting to talk about it. Even if you think "I just want to write to get it out...there's no need to address it after." 

8. Blogging is hard work.  Seriously. And takes a lot of time. At times, an embarrassingly amount of time. And often without a big financial pay off.

7. Be 100% certain about a post before you hit the publish button. Once you publish something - it's out there. There is no going back to delete. By the time, you second guess yourself and try to hit delete - someone has seen it or taken a screen shot. Someone may have printed it out or cut/copy and pasted into an email or word document. When in doubt about a post - wait until you are absolutely certain you want those words out there. (see #10 & 9 if you're not sure what I mean.)

6. Don't quit your day job thinking blogging is the road to riches and free vacations. (see #8)

5. It's okay to say NO. Just because someone emails you saying they have this amazing product or book or website, you are not obligated to write about what they want you to write about. 

4. Don't take it personal.  There will be times when no one comments, it's okay. There will be times when people attack you.  My wise creative writing professor (Terrence Cheng) once said, "If you expect to be told what a great writer you are, each and every single you write something - go show it to your mother." The same can be said for blogging. If you are only interested in praise - write for your mother, your husband, your BFF or anyone else who loves you enough to lie to your face or blow smoke up your butt.   

3. Bloggers are people too. I've met some really amazing people through blogging. I'd even go as so far to say, I've made some genuine friends - especially in the autism mom blogger community. And then I've met some not so nice bloggers. And this may totally surprise you especially if you've follow their blogs and seem like the nicest person on line. But mostly, I am incredibly grateful for all the wonderful women and men I've met through blogging. Like I said, I've made some real friends - there are too many to name but they will know who they are - thank you for your friendship!

2. Content & Consistency matter.  If you want people to read your blog, your content needs to be good. And if you want them to return, you need to be consistent. Especially in the beginning.

1. Always remember the reason why you started to blog. You may want to write it down and post it everywhere you write because there will be days when you will wonder: I don't know if I want to do this. Does my writing even matter? or Why didn't this post get any comments?

There have been so many times over this last year I've wondered if my blog matters, if it's 'successful.' This usually occurs when I see little to no comments on something that I've written, when something I write doesn't get shared, tweeted or retweeted, when I visit other blogs and see that their posts have like 30, 40, 50 comments and I'm hoping for just 1. And every so often, I'll read a comment or get an email or even a text from another autism mom I know with a simple, "thank you for writing what I cannot say," and then I remember why I started to blog. If anything I've written has helped just one person, then that is my measure of success.

Thank you again for stopping by, for reading my random thoughts, for crying with me, for sharing my joys, for cheering me on, for offering me advice and for being a part of our journey. 

Did you know I'm nominated as a Yahoo Women Who Shine? 

Read why I'm nominated & vote click  HERE.

How I Feel About Getting Old

In 23 more days, I will be 37 years old (um, not like I'm counting or anything).  The Husband likes to tease me and say, I'm on the wrong side of 30. I suppose I am.  I will be another year closer to 40. Slowly approaching mid-life.

I don't care about my age. I've never been one of those woman who wants to be twenty two forever. In many ways, I look forward to the years ahead. From a personal stand point - I have so much to still look forward to. 

But in the last year I've had to think about things like life insurance, living wills and special needs trusts.

I'm not old now. But one day, I will be and I worry about the day when I cannot care for The Boy. 

I worry about that day more and more.   

While at BlogHer I stopped by the Pfizer Get Old exhibit booth. There were a few young men and women wearing t-shirts that said "Get Old" - and that's the kind of thing that grabs my attention. Behind them was a big white wall where everyone was sticking different colored post its. I was asked one question:

 HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT GETTING OLD?

The choices were: optimistic, angry, prepared or uneasy.

In case you don't know, my answer was (and still is) uneasy. Check out what other BlogHer12 attendees said about getting old -- HERE.

Based on collected data from the general public 30% of people feel optimistic; 28% feel angry; 11% feel prepared and 30% feel uneasy.  So it's nice to know I'm not alone.

Pfizer wants people to face the inevitable - we will all get old. The www.GetOld.com site not only provides useful information about aging but also invites people to share their thoughts about getting older. 

And to add to the Get Old conversation Pfizer has partnered with: Alzheimer’s Association, Easter Seals, International Longevity Center at Columbia University’s Mailman School of Public Health, Men’s Health Network, National Alliance for Caregiving, National Black Nurses Association, National Coalition for Cancer Survivorship, National Consumers League, National Family Caregivers Association, Patient Advocate Foundation, Society for Women’s Health Research, Visiting Nurse Associations of America, and WomenHeart: The National Coalition for Women with Heart Disease. 

  

Getting older isn't a subject many people want to talk about. It's a subject young people don't think about. Andi t's certainly a subject parents of special needs children constantly worry about. 

But the more we talk about it now, the better off we'll be. The healthier we live now while we're young, the healthier we will be when we are older. 

It's time to make some changes in my life. I want to be in the groups that feel prepared and optimistic.  

Would love to know - How do YOU feel about getting old? 

Disclaimer: This is not a sponsored post. All opinions are my own.

Sundays in my City: Monster Trucks, Crushed Cars & Good Fortunes

Be sure to come by tomorrow. I'm writing the story behind these photos -

 the LITTLE things are a BIG deal. 

What's a Sunday like in your City?   
Unknown Mami wants to know!  
Go on over to Sundays In My City. 

Dear Norrin: A Birthday Letter from Mother to Son

Dear Norrin,

Today is your 6th birthday.  It's official - you're a big kid now, no longer a baby.  The years are going by too quickly and I wish I could slow things down.  I wish I could press pause every once in a while.  But I can't. 

Today you are six; then next you'll be seven and before we both know it - you'll be a man.  But I'm not ready to think about that just yet.  

I want to linger in this moment for as long as I can.

This morning you woke up 2:30 am.  All smiles and eye contact.  And luckily your dad was able to put you back to sleep quickly.  And then when it was time to wake up, I asked you what day it was.  And you said "It's my birthday."

And all week long you've been talking about your birthday.  This is the first year, you've done that. 

It's also your first birthday that falls on the day you were actually born.  You were born on a Friday, so in my mind this makes today extra special.

I have spent the last 6 years watching you in amazement.  I remember bringing you home that Sunday 6 years ago and watching you sleep in your crib.  And I remember the first time you crawled out of that crib. 

I remember waiting anxiously for first words.  For a while, I thought they may never come.  But they did.  And I hang on your every word, even if I don't always understand what you are saying.  I hear you.   

I know that things don't come easily for you.  I know that there are things you find difficult and frustrating.  But you will find a way...in your own time.  Because every day you do something that you didn't do the day before.  Every day you surprise me.  Inspire me.  And amaze me.  All the progress you have made - I see it.

 

And I am so proud of the boy you're growing up to be.
 

Tonight we will light your candles and cut a cake.  You'll tear open your presents.  Maybe you'll make a wish.  If you do, I will probably never know what it is.  And when you play with your toys, you may not know how to say which one is your favorite.  I'll know just by your smile. 

You are too young to understand this now.  But one day you will read this.  And I want you to know that you are the greatest wish I could have ever hoped for.  And the best gift I've ever been given.   

With all my love,
Mommy

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own.  And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

    Dr. Seuss, Oh The Place You'll Go! 

Working Mom Guilt

Maybe it was the postpartum.  Maybe it was the fact that I was on maternity leave during the cold months of winter.  Or maybe it was because I had no SAHM friends to keep me company.  But I couldn't wait to go back to work.  Lots of moms told me about how they cried on their first day leaving their child.   Not me.

I was so laid back.  Well, laid back for me.  (The Husband will say that I'm a tad neurotic, controlling and sometimes a worry wart.)


And then after the diagnosis, I was reading about the 'cold mother' theory and well...in those first few months, I kept thinking of new reasons why autism was my fault.


Fast forward a few years...


I know autism isn't my fault.  But that doesn't mean the guilt is gone.  


So yesterday, I had my first breakdown of 2012.  I came home from work, sat on the sofa and just cried. (The Boy wasn't home from school yet.  I try not to cry in front of him, it's too upsetting for him.) And after I cried, I still didn't feel right. I hate that feeling, when my nerves get the better of me.  When my thoughts are all over the place and it's hard to focus.  And I have to keep reminding myself to breathe in and out slowly because my heart is racing and my hands are shaking.  Too much uncertainty, lots of built up frustration and other stuff going on that I can't discuss here.  Not now, anyway.


Tomorrow is The Boy's 6th birthday.  I'm going to send cupcakes and other party stuff into school.  But I can't be there.  I'd like to be.  I always have in the past.  But this year I can't.  I have to conserve my vacation days. (Last year, the majority of my vacation days were used on sick days, appointments, school interviews and IEP meetings. By the time December came, I had only 1 day left.) And since I'm taking Monday as a "vacation day" because we going through the evaluation process all over again, I can't take off Friday to go to The Boy's school. 


I missed so much at The Boy's last school.  It's impossible to take off for everything, even though I'd love to be there for everything.   And even this year,  I've missed a lot.  Like PTA meetings, because they're in the mornings and that requires me taking a half day.  The Boy's school trip to the NY Botanical Garden.   

It sucks when you want to be there and can't.  I know I can't quit my job.  And I know that lots of other moms are dealing with this same kind of guilt.  And I know that The Boy doesn't feel slighted because I'm not there.  And (most days) I know I'm doing the best that I can.  But it still sucks just the same.

(And if this post is all over the place, I apologize.  I'm still trying to breathe slowly.)

A Very Merry UnBirthday

The Boy will be 5 in a few weeks. I keep telling him his birthday is coming but it's a concept he can't yet understand.

Another year without a birthday party. No rented venue or an apartment full of kids and their parents. No magician or clown or pinata. No pin the tale on the donkey or musical chairs.

We threw The Boy a party for this 3rd birthday.  In our apartment, with friends and family. But he was overwhelmed, over stimulated and not interested in the crowd of kids in his room.  The Boy is great one on one.  A room full of kids - whether he likes them or not, is extremely difficult for him.  His birthday should be enjoyable - not stressful and definitely not an ABA session in socialization.