Letting Go of Mainstream Dreams

I've been up since 4 am.  Not by choice.  That's the time The Boy woke up. 

By 5 am, I was up and out of bed.  Threw a load of laundry in the washing machine.  Laced up my running sneakers and headed out the door.  (On Day 4 of excercising)

By 6 am, I was half dressed and packing up The Boy's bookbag for his first day at a new school.

And by 7 am, The Boy's school bus pulled up in front of our building.  I introduced myself to the new driver and matron.  The Boy jumped on the school without looking back or a goodbye kiss.  But The Husband and I called his name and we got the goodbye kisses we needed.  

Walking back up to our building, I started to cry.  I know, I know - I'm a cry baby.

Norrin has been taking the school bus since he was a baby - barely 3 years old.  He's been taking the bus since before he could even talk and while he was still in diapers.  

This is the 3rd school he's been bussed to in the last four 4 years.

You would think I'd be used to it by now.  But it doesn't get easier.  Handing your child over to a stranger for the first time.  And this new school is the farthest The Boy's ever been.  

Don't get me wrong - I LOVE the new school. I'm so happy he's there.  It's the right place for him to be.  

It was just never the place I expected him to be.

When The Boy was diagnosed with autism 4 years ago and we started the therapies - I remember The Husband telling me, "This is just to get him up to speed.  By the time kindergarten starts - he'll be able to go to a regular school."

Because for many parents that's the goal.  Mainstream education.  It's the dream.  

I think there was this tiny part of me that wanted to believe that.        

That's the thing about life down the autism rabbit hole.  You can make peace with it,  embrace it but accept it?  Acceptance is not a one shot deal, it's an on going process.  There will always be something new to accept.

The Boy's kindergarten year came and went.  And the fact is, he couldn't cope in a typical public school.  Even in a classroom of 6 kids.  Even with all the accommodations.  Even with the after school ABA therapists coming to the house 4 days a week.  Even with sensory gym on Saturdays.  The Boy still couldn't truly be successful in a 'regular' public school. Granted The  Boy was set up for failure but this last year was a huge eye opener for me.

So this morning as I waited next to a mother with her 13 year old son - who was also waiting for his yellow mini bus to appear - I realized that The Boy may never go to a school within walking distance. 

The Boy may be 13, 14, 15 years old and will still need me to wait with him for the mini bus to pick him up.  The Boys new school goes to 21 - he will probably be there until that age.  The Boy will probably never have a mainstream education. I have to just let that dream go.  I'm okay with it.  At the end of the day, all I want is for The Boy to be in a place where he can be happy and accepted for what he can do.  I know The Boy's education is about goals not grades. 


And I also know there are plenty of new dreams to be had.               

      

If It Works For Madonna...

I have loved Madonna since I was a in the 4th grade.  I remember the day when I walked to Sam Goody to buy the Like a Virgin tape.  That's right kids, I said tape.  I played the title song over and over again having no clue what the words meant but belted it out at the top of my lungs.  

And since that day in I have seen Madonna evolve over and over again.  She is hailed as the Queen of Reinvention.  Because she's always reinvented herself at just the right times of her life.  I've admired her for it.  She is fearless and thinks nothing of reinventing her image when it suits her.  And with every change, she's become more successful, more refined, more powerful and more fabulous.

Some of my favorite Madonna looks through the years

Today is Fadra's last Sunday hosting the Stream of Conciousness Meme post and it's about reinvention.  I don't participate often but since it's her last one and I've always enjoyed writing them - I decided to link up one last time.  And the theme of reinvention works with what I am going through right now. 


I am trying to reinvent myself.  Well, my outer self.  


I am sitting on the sofa as I type this; my entire body is sore from exercising.  Today was the third day in a row that I've made the conscious decision to work out.  To get in shape.  To live healthier.  To hopefully, live longer.  


I have been struggling with my weight for the last two years.   And last June I wrote a post about The Weight of Autism.  Thinking that I was going to make the effort.  But since that post, I've gained more weight.  I know what it is - I've spent the last few years craving comfort from all the wrong places.


And while the comfort I crave feels so good in the moment.  I know, it's time for me to seek comfort elsewhere.  


Because every time I step on the scale, I cringe.  


Every time I have to squeeze into a pair of jeans that used to fit, I curse myself. 


Every time I have to look for a shirt that conceals my muffin top, I hate it.


Every time I put something on only to realize it no longer fits, I wonder - how could I let this happen?


In less than 3 months I will be one more year closer to 40.   And in the last few months I've had some serious wake up calls regarding health and the choices I've been making.  


It's time to make changes.    


When I was in the 4th grade, I wanted to wear white lace gloves and black rubber bracelets because Madonna wore them.  


Decades later, I'm still taking lessons from the Madonna handbook.