By now you've seen this Time cover. The taunting photo of a couple sans kids sprawled out on the beach, hands over head, all smug and relaxed because their childfree life allows them to have it all.
The article explores the lives of childless women and couples. And ever since it's publication, the blogosphere has been all a buzz over it.
Babble blogger Jeannette Kaplun wrote an excellent post in response:
Being a parent has been the best choice for me, but it isn’t necessarily for everybody. That’s why it didn’t surprise me at all to see this week’s TIME cover, which looks at the choice more American couples are making — to purposefully live their lives without children. I don’t think that choosing to not be a mother is selfish. I actually think that it can do the world a ton of good.
I agree with Jeannette, I believe in a woman's right to choose. I believe that not all women are supposed to be mothers. I believe that motherhood was the best thing that happened to me (even though it wasn't exactly in my life plan).
And I feel sorry for the women in the Time article. Not sorry that they don't have children - sorry that they feel the need to justify their reasons why they don't have/want children.
Still the great debate continues. Can we or can't we have it all. And what does having it all really mean? Does 'all' even matter?
We don't have to look to a magazine cover to see women who appear to have it all - all we have to do is log on to Facebook or Pinterest. Social media allows us to peer into the window of other women's lives and wonder how do they do it? They either have great jobs or they're stay-at-home moms or they have the best of both worlds - they are work-at-home moms. They live in the right neighborhoods, have the 'perfect' kids or the 'perfect' partner. They drive the nice car and eat the right foods. Everything matches and they're exactly the size they're supposed to be. Their hair and nails are always done. They wear designer clothes that I can't pronounce. They go on date nights, girls night out and romantic weekend getaways. Their homes are out of the pages of a Pottery Barn catalog - they can light candles without worrying about a kid setting themselves on fire. They craft and scrapbook and bake their own bread and do all sorts of amazing things with their kids that make me feel like a slacker mom. Their kids are on the honor roll, have dates to prom and get scholarships to college. They have empty nest syndrome, enjoy their retirement and/or surrounded by adorable grandchildren.
Time magazine makes me wonder: what about autism parents? Do we, can we or will we ever have it all?
I know many mothers who quit their jobs to stay home with their kids. Some autism moms home school. And when they don't, they wonder if they should.
We spend hours researching, reviewing, learning about autism, therapies, medications and legal rights. We can easily spend more time on the phone fighting with insurance companies than chatting with our BFFs. We constantly worry about our kids and their future. Will they have friends? Will they fall in love? Have a job? Live independently? We want nothing more than to be there for our child, to live forever or secretly hope to outlive our child by a day (or less).
What about an autism mom like me?
I work (full-time outside of the home) because I have to and The Boy goes to a school I had to fight to get him into. As an autism mom, I am exhausted and overwhelmed. There isn't a night when I don't lay awake in my bed worrying over all the What Ifs and Will Hes.
I look at the Time cover and I wonder if I will ever lay like that on a beach with The Husband. Our date nights are so few and far between - will a romantic weekend getaway ever be a possibility? Will we be able to relax and enjoy our golden years? Will we ever have a 'childfree' life even after our child grows up?
I don't know. Honestly? The not knowing makes me sad.
My life is far from perfect. I have more than my fair share of stress, disappointment and heartache. By some women's standards, I don't have it all. Not many women would trade their sexy heels to step into my sensible flats. And that's okay because I wouldn't trade in my flats for their heels either.
So when I read a headline like When having it all means not having children - I have to check myself and take inventory of what I do have.
I have a husband who adores me and genuinely supports me in every way.
I have a beautiful boy who lights up my world even on my darkest day.
I have parents, family and friends who accept The Boy just as he is.
I have a job that pays the bills (and provides health insurance) and a few freelance gigs that keep me sane.
I have a comfortable apartment that's a size I can manage to keep clean. We have a car that can get us from point a to point b. And I have a few cute pair of sensible flats.
I never wanted to be a mother. It wasn't something I dreamed about or planned for. Motherhood, for me, just happened. But being a mother - being The Boy's mother - has given me more than I could have ever imagined. I don't have many material things but I have the things that matter most. I don't have to have it all. Because I'm happy with what I have right now. What I have is more than enough.
You've seen it by now. The Time magazine cover that has every one's bra straps in a pinch. We all have our own opinions. Our judgements. Our snide remarks about the mother, the child and the boob that's hanging out.
Quite honestly, I don't care about the cover. Well - that's not true. I don't care about the picture. Because, guess what? Not me. Not my kid. And not my boob. (I'm secretly jealous of her perky 26 year old boob and the size of her skinny jeans and the flatness of her tummy. I am hoping that it's all photo shopped and that she's as saggy and flabby as me.)
It's the caption I care about.
Are You Mom Enough?
This photo went viral just a few days before Mother's Day. At a time when we should be celebrating the joy of motherhood and appreciating all the hardworking, caring, nurturing mothers - we're being pitted against one another.
Everyone is talking about the picture and breastfeeding. Very little is being said about the actual article. The mom on the cover is only a blurb in the six page feature. The article focuses on Dr. Bill Sears, his wife, Martha (authors of The Baby Book) and the philosophy of attachment parenting.
What's attachment parenting? Well, it involves the following: breast feeding, co-sleeping, walking around with your baby in a sling and the belief that no infant should be left to cry because every little whimper is a cry for help.
"Attachment parenting says that the more time babies spend in their mothers' arms, the better the chances they will turn out to well-adjusted children." (Kate Pickert, Time)
Breast feeding wasn't for me
Seconds after I gave birth to The Boy, the nurse asked if I wanted to breast feed. I was open to it. But it was difficult - physically and emotionally. The Boy wouldn't latch on. The nurses came in and worked with me, but once I went home - I was on my own. I was a new mom, uncertain of what I was doing. At 2 am - The Boy was crying hysterically. And I couldn't do it. I sat there, rocking in the glider, The Boy in my arms trying to breast feed. I was crying - feeling like the biggest mother failure - because he wasn't latching on. The Boy's face was red from frustration and hunger. Finally I yelled out to The Husband to get the bottle. I am sure there are women who will say I didn't try hard enough. I know - I tried.
Two weeks later, I became engorged. And it was painful. If you've never been engorged. (Slip two big rocks in your bra and try to lay down on your stomach.) I had to go out and buy a pump. I sat on my sofa for two hours pumping milk out like I was a cow. You know what I got? Three measly ounces of milk. After that - The Boy got formula. Momma closed up the milk shop.
Welcome to reality
As a mother, I understand the philosophy behind attachment parenting and why some mothers would choose to follow it. But it's not the reality for everyone. Most of the moms I know - work. Not by choice. By necessity. I work. Not only because I really need to work and make money, I also want to. But that's for another blog post. (I'll be sharing that with Carla in the next few weeks.)
Attachment parenting especially isn't a reality for urban working class families or for the single mom. And as a mom who works full time outside of the home and as a college student - I know I'm not alone. Many of my classmates are also working (outside of the home) moms. Again, not by choice. By necessity. We sacrifice our time in order to make our child's life easier.
...the arguments for and against attachment parenting mirror questions about family and work that still divide America five decades after the advent of modern feminism, when nearly half the U.S. workforce is made up of women. (Kate Pickert, Time Magazine
Based on the article, Dr. Sears has a skewed sense of reality. Dr. Sears "encourages mothers to start home businesses" rather than rejoining the workforce. Dr. Sears also suggests "mothers quit their jobs and borrow money to make up the difference." Dr. and Mrs. Sears "subsidized their sons' wives so they could stay home with the Sears grandchildren."
For the secretary, the receptionist or blue collar worker - how will this work? What home business can they start? (You really can't start a business without money.) Who are they borrowing money from? Not every family/mother has these options. Or maybe - they don't want them.
And not every mother has the privilege of a flexible work arrangement. Where I work, many executives have the option to work from home. After The Boy was diagnosed, I asked if working from home could be an option. I was told that my job - as a secretary - could not be performed from home. And while some flexibility was allowed to accommodate our family needs - I work my full 35 to 40 hours. Not to mention commute time - about 10 hours a week.
For the single mom - what about medical insurance? Who will supplement her income - if the father decides he wants to skip town or be a dead beat? Should welfare be an option so that she can stay home with her baby and follow the attachment parenting approach? If that started happening, I know people would be up in arms about that.
These are not the days of Archie Bunker - where a single income blue collar worker can purchase a house in Queens (New York), support his family and send his child to college.
Different. Not Less.
Temple Grandin's mother, Eustacia Cutler, described her daughter as different, not less. The same term can be applied to mothers. I work outside of the home, I didn't breastfeed but I co-sleep - though not by choice, its the only way I'll get some sleep. I am different. Not less.
And just because a mother stays home and adopts the attachment parenting philosophy - that makes her different. Not more.
Here's a novel idea!
Do what works for you and your family. GASP! I know, I know - sounds a little radical. But if you don't want to take my word for it. Listen to these guys:
"Trust [your] instincts...'You know more than you think you do.'" ~ Dr. Spock.
"Do the best you can with the resources you have." ~ Dr. Sears
These would have been great sentiments for Mother's Day. Though I suppose, it's not the sentiment that will sell magazines.
If breast feeding a three year old, works for Jamie Lynn Grumet (the mother on Time Magazine) - good for her. And if you know breast feeding a three year old isn't going to work for you. Don't do it.
As a special needs mom, I talk a lot about acceptance. But I can't be selective about my acceptance - especially when it comes to parenting styles. That would make me a hypocrite. So as long as a child isn't put in any physical danger - who the hell am I to judge?
Am I Mom Enough?
Not a day goes by where I think to myself - am I doing enough for my child? And I know many moms - whether they stay at home with their kids or work outside of the home ask themselves the same question. In a recent Huffington Post article, Erin Smith writes:
There are all types of mothers out there; working mothers, stay at home mothers, mothers that work part time -- all sorts of arrangements. With all their differences, I'd venture to say that at least one common thread exists among them: they all have some level of guilt.
Chances are if you are feeling some kind guilt, if you are questioning "Am I Mom enough?" - the answer is probably YES. You are mom enough.
And as mothers - don't we teach our children to do their best. If they do their very best, then that's all that matters.
The same should apply to us.
(I'm running out to enjoy my Mother's Day weekend - if there are any typos - forgive me, I'll revise later.)
By now you've seen this Time cover. The taunting photo of a couple sans kids sprawled out on the beach, hands over head, all smug and relaxed because their childfree life allows them to have it all.
